Tag Archives: introspection

Vehicular Therapy

Something new to me is the peace that comes from the solitude found during a morning commute.

Before kids, I would wake at the last possible minute before dashing through my morning routine and flying out the door and down the road to work.

Four years as a SAHM meant no silence in the car, never a true chance to let my thoughts flow and truly listen to what my body and mind were telling me.

Sure, there were times when I could do some introspection, which lead to one of my best posts of all time.

Sure, I could listen to my audiobooks while the kids entertained themselves in the backseat.

Yes, there were chances to talk with other adults on the phone while I drove.

But to truly seek yourself every morning takes either discipline or forced solitude.  Like my morning commute.

Eight Weeks of Intensive Therapy

I have been at my “new” job for a little over two months.  Since we live in the middle of nowhere, I have a minimum of 35 minutes in the car each morning.

I’ve been training myself to select the day’s outfit and pack my lunch the night before plus set my alarm to give me plenty of time to bathe, dress, paint and coif, eat, and possibly care for a small child that woke too soon.  Most mornings, I am beyond blessed to get out the door without the kids waking and seeing me off.

Any parent who has walked away from a crying child with the guilt of “I’m putting my paycheck before you, little one” knows what it means to leave before they’re even awake.

I take my time because I’ve gifted myself that time.  I climb into my little four-door, four-cylinder car, pull out of the driveway, and get my mind into the zone.  No music or audio books.  No rush where I have anger or panic to focus on.  No one in the car to watch me as I silently run through a gamut of emotions because I’m mentally pulling apart the past few years of my life.

Or, some days, my whole life.

I spend roughly 30 minutes every morning picking through my experiences, thoughts, and emotions like I’m untangling a knot of metal chains that have rusted together.

I practice deep breathing and different levels of prayer and meditation.

I am working on picking myself back up, one mile at a time.

Underrated

One day, taking a long lunch away from my desk and picking up a dear friend from her nearby work, I confessed to her what I had been doing.  It was pouring rain and we had a slightly rushed lunch in a loud, packed Panera.  As we sat in her work’s parking lot, I told her that I had been working through some of my issues during my morning commutes.

She nodded emphatically.  She said she knew what I was talking about, knew how critical that alone time is for her in her busy life.  She agreed with me that vehicular therapy is underrated.

That is why I’m sharing it with you.  You need to know this.  You, who get up in the morning (or evening) to go to work, to spend time away from family and home and friends and an ever-growing to-do list; you, who find yourself wound up and bent out of shape before you make it to your lunch break; you, who wonders what more is there to life or if there’s something wrong with you or why can’t I find the perfect job, perfect car, perfect friend, perfect lover.

You, my dear reader, need to know what a blessing your commute time is.  This is your chance to truly be by yourself and look narrow and deep or wide and shallow at your life, your behaviors, your future.

Embrace your vehicular therapy time.

Personally

I’m working through a year’s worth of grief.  I’m working through a lifetime of pain cause by my mother and almost a decade of issues with my mother-in-law.  I’m working through the drama and bullshit that came about after a lying liar lied about me…and was believed.  I’m working through long-term goals and what my hang ups are.  I’m working through marital issues, mommy guilt, crises in faith, and so much more.

I recommend you do the same.

Because I feel more on the level now than I have in a very long time, even though to an outsider it may look like I’ve bitten off more than I can chew.

Personally, I will tell everyone I encounter about the joys and blessings that come from 30 minutes of silent introspection at least 5 days a week.

Thoughtful Thursday: The Lord Hates

I find solace in this as well as a chance for introspection.  See, this one used to be such a finger-pointer for me.  I can see so easily in others when they do the seven things the Lord hates.

There are six things the Lord hates— no, seven things he detests: haughty eyes, a lying tongue, hands that kill the innocent, a heart that plots evil, feet that race to do wrong, a false witness who pours out lies, a person who sows discord in a family.
-Proverbs 6:16-19

But I am guilty, too.

I have looked down on others, put myself above them with my education or morals or work ethic. I have told fibs, which I may believe to be harmless but could possibly hurt others.  I do not consider myself a liar and hold quite tightly to the belief that I am one of the most honest people, even to a fault, that I know.  Which takes us back up to the first point.  While I have never committed murder with my hands, I have hated in my heart, which Christ said was another way to kill someone.  Isn’t that a freaking eye-opener! I am not a vengeful person.  I do not plan revenge.  I do not race to do wrong but there are times where I should have raced to do good.  I should not stand back as often as I do and wait to witness the falling out of those who plot evil.  I do not lie nor have I slandered, but I have been a victim of such and know how it feels, how it hurts.  When discord was sown in my family, I am guilty of not pulling everyone together to put an end to it.

Introspection hurts, folks.  What are you thinking on this Thoughtful Thursday in Lent?

I can tell you that the main reason this is one of my favorite passages is that I find solace in knowing that behaviors from others which hurt me so deeply are behaviors that God abhors.  I do not need to seek revenge.  I do not need to lash out against those who sow discord, lie, plot evil, find joy in causing drama and dissension, or even commit murder.

Want to know why?

Because the Greatest Judge takes umbrage with these as well and He will take care of all His people as He sees fit.

So part of me is a bit vindictive when I say that whether in this life or the next, the evil will get their due.  But mainly, I know that God put these people in my path to teach me something, about the world or about myself.  I do not claim to fathom His goals and intentions beyond expecting me at my best, seeing me at my worst, and empowering me to empower others.  And to lead, when I can, the haughty and the liars and the family members seeking to cause harm, away from that which the Lord hates.

What verse helps you stand up straight in the face of those who would drag you down?

Why Minimalism

It doesn’t feel like a bandwagon.

I don’t recall hearing about this and thinking, “I should be the next to do that.”

This was natural.  This was the next step.  This was organic.

This was in me.

My path in life was headed in this direction already.  I just happened to fall in step with so many others.

I feel like more people need to be on this path, though.  More of you need to be paying attention, need to hear what I have to say about this lifestyle.  This movement.  This bandwagon.

Get on it.

I’m calling it Minimalism for the sake of simplicity.  I’m going to use the words of those who have gone before me on this bumpy, soul-searching, enlightening road.

The Minimalists, Joshua Fields Millburn and Ryan Nicodemus, have a fantastic blog as well as a couple books on the subject.  What they call their “Elevator Pitch” is this:

Minimalism is a lifestyle that helps people question what things add value to their lives. By clearing the clutter from life’s path, we can all make room for the most important aspects of life: health, relationships, passion, growth, and contribution.

Now, each person endeavoring to discover what is most important to him or her will approach this differently.  Each of us will define our happiness and our visions of the future different, so our versions of a minimalist lifestyle will be diverse.  What I do in my home with my family will vary greatly, but we will all be on the same path, this path to making room for what is truly important.

I don’t feel like I had some rude awakening or even experienced a moment where the clouds parted.  I truly believe that I came upon this course naturally, as if each step I’ve taken on my thoughtfully sought path these past few years was getting me to this point.  This wasn’t something the BHE and I were going to just jump in and DO.  It had to be something our minds and hearts built up for; we had to be prepared.

Maybe you did have an awakening.  Maybe the clouds parted and angels sang.  Maybe you’re on this path for much different reasons, but at least you’re here.

Light reading lead to heavy thinking.

Let me share a few resources with you:

The Minimalists
Becoming Minimalist
Unstuffed
You Can Buy Happiness
The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up

I feel we are on this path because we are ready to shed the excess that is weighing us down.  What began as a simple “fix” to our diet has grown into a daily conscious lifestyle choice that embraces change and insists on becoming better:  eat better, be better friends, make better decisions, have better attitudes.

Define “better”…and make it happen.

We all say we want to do or be better.  It takes a lot of effort to follow through with that.  So what began with saying goodbye to wheat and then genetically modified foods, what grew with the birth of our daughter and what world we wanted to create for our children to grow and learn in, has morphed into this way of living that places meaning and value before all else.

If it doesn’t matter in the long run, if it isn’t going to add value to your life, if you aren’t going to feel better or be better, why are you doing it?  Why are you eating this or buying that or going there or working here?

Please, just ask yourself WHY.

Redirecting My Path

A little introspection goes a long way.  Over the past 2 days, I’ve engaged in A LOT of introspection.  The first wave was a combination of discussing our finances right before bed and my third trimester insomnia; the second wave was the very next afternoon when I had almost 2 hours in the car with a sleeping Angel Baby after a really soul-baring discussion with one of my besties.

Considerable Brain Power

From time to time, I catch myself in these negative mental loops.  I have to kick myself out of them or I can get mired for days.  Since I am (currently) unable to get my foot all the way up to my head, I have these two questions I ask myself:

  1. Why don’t you put your considerable brain power to more productive use?
  2. Don’t you think prayer would be a more productive use of your time and energy?

I am going to share with you what went through my head as I demanded these questions of myself.  Usually, I am a much more private person and find it difficult to express these things to those close to me.  But what’s the point of running a blog called Thoughtfully Sought if I’m not showing you, my readers, what I’m thinking and how I’m seeking a better, healthier, happier path through life?

Just know, as we launch into my considerable yet ridiculous brain, that the two main topics of conversation between me and those nearest and dearest to me were in regards to Money and Faith.

Highlights from Yesterday’s Introspection

  • God asked us to be stewards of our money.
    • We must be smarter with our funds. What we earn is not as important as what we spend.  We need to be very conscious of where and how we spend the money that we have earned.
    • The money we earn is from our blessings: the BHE was blessed with the abilities to continue working for a good employer; I was blessed with the abilities to learn and earn advanced degrees for future employment.  Both of us are blessed with many, many fruitful abilities that can be put to gainful use.
    • My debts need paid off ASAP. The BHE doesn’t really have any, other than the mortgage we share.  The rest of what is owed?  Yeah, that’s all me, thanks to my credit card use and student loans.
  • I am like my brother, Jesus.
    • When thinking of my love and strengths as an exercise to discover gainful work as a SAHM, I realized that I am like Jesus and, therefore, have so much potential. He had a profound goal (saving our souls), a limited amount of time in which to achieve it, and a desire to use His strengths to reach as many as possible with no modern technology to assist Him.  Jesus was a teacher, a public speaker, someone who wanted to help others, someone who enjoyed being a host as well as a guest, someone who reached out to every one of His friends time and again, someone who could recognize His own faults and shortcomings and look for ways to build Himself stronger.  Is that not what I’m trying to do?  What I listed in my head as my loves and strengths were oh-so-similar to what we can list were Jesus’s.    And I have the Internet, multiple Facebook pages and a blog, Instagram, a PHONE to reach people.
    • I may not reach as many as He did in such a profound way, nor will I have such a lasting mark on all of humanity… but modern technology has given me such an opening to reach out and help others grow thoughtfully.
  • My number one loves are my family.
    • The two things I identified myself as, before blogger or librarian or student or teacher or cook or housekeeper: Mother and Wife.
    • But the other things I can identify as either roles I play well or skills I’ve developed in those rolls could be used to generate income to further support two main roles.
    • My family can benefit from my loves and strengths in reading, writing, editing, teaching, hosting, cooking, cleaning, bookkeeping, and so on. It is up to me to discover how to make these things work.
  • We each see The Light in our own way in our own time.
    • It may seem much brighter for others but that may be what they need. You may not see it so brightly because (a) you’ve been seeing it for longer or (b) you don’t need to see it so brightly just now.
    • Maybe what you need is to see how others see The Light and how they grow to understand your own depth or doubt of faith*.
  • It isn’t about discovering what God wants me to do. Stop asking, “What do you want from me?”  He made that clear already:  God wants me to be a good Christian.  It is up to me to discover how I am going to do that.
    • It isn’t about being the best/smartest/strongest/fastest/richest/cleanest/etc. It is about doing my best and being thankful that I can do it.
    • Be just, be right, be smart and kind in your actions. Life isn’t a competition.  Like one of my besties has said time and again**:  Empowered women empower women.  I want to take that a step further…If so, my place here isn’t to just show others how I walk down my thoughtfully sought out path; it is to empower others to search in themselves and be emboldened and empowered by my words and examples to walk their own paths.
    • God blessed me with many gifts. Now I need to put them to use.  Those uses, if I am seeking my path and being thoughtful in my empowering of others, will actually lead me back to my first point:  I will be a better steward of my money, as I will be earning and spending more thoughtfully.

What do you think?

*That was a paraphrase from my favorite Collective Soul song.

**Check out Abby at Back at Square Zero and her Instagram account.

The Unsung Debt of Being a Stay-at-Home Mom

It goes without saying that being a SAHM equates to having no “real” income.  That is, I do not receive a paycheck for the work I do.  I am allotted intrinsic benefits rather than money and health insurance.

I am of the lucky blessed who is married to someone who brings enough home on his paycheck plus works for a company with good benefits so that I may be able to stay home with our child(ren) to tend to their rearing as well as our household.  I know this.  I know I am blessed and I do find solace in the fact that I, not stranger or some family member or whomever, am raising Angel Baby and enjoying her firsts.

Sometimes, folks, that just isn’t enough.

During our last Sunday pancakes, the BHE asked me why I seem so unhappy, what is it keeping me from being content in this blessed life I’m living.  It’s been a few days, with hours of being distracted by searching within myself for this answer.

Of course, the “obvious” answer involves pointing the finger.  Seriously, people, we all do it.  It is so much easier to say, “YOU aren’t doing this” or “THEY did that” than it is to just say, “I am not getting/doing/feeling/seeing…” or “I did x, y, and z wrong.”

My original answer to his question (finger-pointing mentioned above) wasn’t getting either of us anywhere.  First off, no one else can lay claim to my emotions.  How dare I say it is someone else’s fault I feel a certain way?  Second, I should never give someone that control.  How dare I say your behavior led me to my behavior, based on my emotional reaction to it?  Like, seriously.  I’m kicking my own ass here.  I know better.  But emotions have been reigning lately.

Crying Over Laundry

The answer, and the tears, came as I was hanging laundry while Angel Baby napped today.  The hardest part of finding out “what’s wrong” with yourself is to know which questions to ask, then ask again.

Why am I not content?  Why does it matter if the BHE thanks me for dinner, praises me for a clean house, offers help with clearing the dinner table?  Why do I feel resentment that he is too tired to help me because he has been busy helping his family?  Why does it anger me that he is less understanding and emotionally present this pregnancy than he was last?  Why am I pointing the finger at him?

Well, duh, he’s the only adult around.

I try to be a good fill-in-the-label.  I call or text friends and family to stay in touch, get updates on their lives, share the joys in mine.  I want to be a good wife, sister, mother, friend, shoulder to cry on, taxi to call for, librarian to answer questions…

My adult interactions are few and they are heavily interrupted.  I have a toddler to chase and provide for, after all.  It would be nice to just sit and talk to someone, have a real conversation that isn’t broken up by having to cater to another’s needs.

But why do I need that?  What do I gain from that?

Outside the Home

I want to ask the BHE (and other adults with children who work) what he gets out of going to work each day, aside from the paycheck.  I can tell you what I miss about the workforce.

I miss common courtesies like recognition, gratitude, and even compliments for the work I have done.  I miss someone acknowledging that the work was done at all.  I miss teamwork.  I’ve been the boss and I’ve been the bottom of the totem pole (and every position in between), and in each, I knew that what I did benefitted or at least effected another because I was regularly reminded of that.  I wasn’t in a bubble.

There are extrinsic and intrinsic rewards in having a “job”:  paycheck, benefits, adult conversation, recognition for a job well done, recognition when there are areas in need of improvement, friendships that can develop, meetings and group work that can expand your vision of your purpose in that position, chances to pee in silence and privacy, the ability to literally just stop and take a breath, and the fact that working with other adults means not being 100% in charge of all that they do.

Of course there are extrinsic and intrinsic rewards in staying home with my child.  We aren’t paying for daycare or extra gas in my car for my commute.  I have the time to research the best prices and coupons for the foods and products we need to purchase.  The house is clean, the laundry is done, the meals are made, the child is happy and healthy and engaged.  I am the one who gets the joy of seeing first steps, of hearing words being used the first time, of watching the sheer delight Angel Baby has upon discovering anything new (another kid, a bug, the baby bunny in the side yard, the puddle in the driveway…).

But What About ME!?

Like, seriously.  What about how happy, healthy, and engaged I am?  I do all these things, and more, and have naught but the internal satisfaction that I have a really nice house that is clean and a really smart daughter that is clean healthy and a really hard-working husband that is cared for and loves me.

I want someone to offer to clear the dinner table AND then wash the dishes.  I want to know that I can take a break at some point and go take a piss or a freaking shower without any interruption whatsoever.  I want someone to thank me for being the one to call them (since the only person who calls me regularly is my father) or for being the one who did every last little aspect of the laundry (sort, carry to basement, wash, carry from basement to laundry line, hang, remove from line, fold and sort, put all articles in their proper places… it is a freaking process people that is never-fucking-ending so a wee bit of appreciation wouldn’t be amiss) or for being the one who says, “I know you worked all day/week so don’t worry about helping with x/y/z.”  Of course, that would require that person to even offer to help.

I just sit here crying because, sorry, but sometimes love just isn’t enough.  I need to know I’m appreciated, that the work I do is recognized as such, that I am not taken for granted, and that I do come first to someone other than Angel Baby.

I need something more than my blog and checking out people’s Facebook updates and getting texts regarding the latest drama somebody drummed up because they couldn’t pay their cable bill this month.  I need something more than to just look around at my big, beautiful, clean house with the smell of a fantastic dinner lingering in the air. Enjoyable?  Yes.  Satisfying?  No, not always.

I am Blessed

I have a roof over my head, clothes on my back, food in my belly, and love in my heart.  Should that be enough?  Am I selfish to want more?  Do you survive on just the basic necessities?

I’m a foodie.  I love to eat.  So here’s my food analogy:  if you only consumed the exact amount of carbs, proteins, fruits, veggies, grains, nutrients, et cetera that you absolutely needed, would you be satisfied?  Would you be content with just necessities or would you like a bowl of ice cream, an extra slice of cheese, a freaking Coke?

Contentment is found within.  I can’t point the finger and say so-and-so didn’t call back or Angel Baby is regressing in her potty training or the BHE spends more time with his father than he does with me.  I can’t call out someone else’s behavior without first examining mine.

Unsung Debt

I am not happy because, as blessed as I am, I am only partially fulfilled.  My internal debt-to-income ratio is out of whack.  If anything, my “debt” is deeper at this point since I’m about half-way through pregnancy, dealing with body and hormone changes that cannot be described.  (Ok, you may sympathize with me if you have ever been pregnant or are pregnant, but I don’t really need to tell you that everyone and every pregnancy is different).

There’s something lacking.  My “income” needs a raise or something.  I gotta figure it out.  And like a rational adult, I am fully aware it is up to me to figure “it” out.

What is “It”?

Clearly, I haven’t grasped what “it” is yet.  I mean, I did just pound out a three page post lamenting my mental and emotional deficiencies.  I have an education I’m not using, friends I’m not visiting, skills I’m not expanding… and this feeling of being obligated to literally stay at home to provide for my immediate family.  If the BHE doesn’t feel obliged to be home when he isn’t at work, and he’s a hard-working and very family-oriented individual, then why do I?  Why have I set this limitation upon myself?

I need to redefine what it means to ME to be a stay-at-home mom.  Eff society and what I believe are the expectations put upon me.  I mean, even eff-you to my SAHM friends who are doing it the way they want to.  You didn’t set this standard I am trying to comply to; I outlined your behaviors as such and put the limitations upon myself.  I’ve created my debt.  EFF!  I hate admitting when I’m wrong.  I’d rather finger-point.

Oh.  Wait.

Taking Steps down the Thoughtfully Sought Path of the Grounded Giver and his Sarcastic Wife

It is easier for me to see what I need to change about myself than it is for me to start the process. Thank God for the BHE.

The Spark

I came across this quote on Facebook* a few weeks ago:

“You’ll end up really disappointed if you think people will do for you as you do for them. Not everyone has the same heart as you.”

Since reposting it on my personal page, I’ve thought about it a lot. My take on the meaning is a polar opposite to how the BHE read it. Positive, generous people see this as an affirmation to the good they do while negative individuals with miserly tendencies see this as a warning.

It is an affirmation to the BHE; it’s a warning to me. Yet another reason why he’s the Best Husband Ever… And I need him to balance me.

Balance

I know I’m negative most of the time. I know I focus on the bad and dwell in my own head until I can become mired in unhealthy thoughts. I know I’m not as generous with my love, talents, and material things as I should be, could be. Luckily (for me, my friends, and the rest of the world), the BHE is here to balance me out.

I guess you could say I balance him as well, seeing as how devastated he could be without my miserly ways. But I digress…

Someone like him sees this saying and interprets it thus:

Don’t be disappointed when you find yourself the constant giver. You are not a taker. You have been blessed with a big heart, sharp mind, and enough material possessions/money to help those around you. Don’t be concerned if others don’t reciprocate; maybe they can’t. Even if they could give back in the literal sense, maybe they aren’t as kind and generous, thoughtful and thankful as you are. You shouldn’t be upset by this but rather happy you have been able to help these people in the ways only you can. You have a big heart and you are a giver.

Someone like me, however, sees this:

You’re going to get screwed if you give too much because too many people are ungrateful takers.

Yep. That’s it, balancing each other out.

Grateful, Not Hateful

I don’t want such a negative view of the people in our lives. I don’t want to be so hateful about the takers. Thinking on this quote and talking out the thoughts in my head, the BHE helped me realize that I ought to be grateful we have friends and that those friends know they can rely on us. We should be grateful for family and friends and the means to assist those we love, not hateful that so many ask without giving, take without thanks. It isn’t what giving is about.

See, Mr. Positive believes we have been blessed in order to be in the position to give. We haven’t been blessed by God with steady finances and nice homes and cars and the skills and talents that we have just to use to better ourselves. We have been given our work ethic, our income, our homes and vehicles and tools and talents and intelligence to help others, to bring them up, to provide and nourish.

God didn’t put us here to be insular and stingy and only think of ourselves; these blessings bestowed upon us are for the betterment of everyone we know, everyone we are lucky to receive love and friendship from.

God gave us these gifts so that we could give, too; He wants us to show were are grateful by sharing our blessings.

Be Generous

Should those we help reject our friendship, rescind their love, turn their backs out of guilt or envy, because they can’t or won’t take their turn at giving… Then so be it. We know we were kind, loving, and generous. We know we gave, physically and emotionally. What others choose to do after that is on them. We will stand with open arms.

However, we will not stand here dumb. We will recognize the givers and takers, those who can and cannot reciprocate, those who are thankful… And those who are hateful. We will protect ourselves. But we will continue to love and give (just maybe not so much to those who have already burned us).

How I Wish to Grow

I want to be there, where the BHE is. I want to be that complete in my head and heart, so that I can look upon giving as a strength and not a weakness. I don’t want low expectations of those around me. I want to love and give. I also want to be loved and thanked.

I think back on all we’ve done for all of those around us. The BHE has remarked to me before that not all relationships are equal. Sometimes you are the giver to someone who just takes and takes and takes. Sometimes it is even, and no one involved even recognizes that because it comes so naturally to just be there and give and take equally without effort or concerns of equality. Sometimes you are the taker: Without even realizing it, you may take and take from another with no thanks or paltry reciprocation.

My goodness, it is so much easier to see the first two and not that last one. So I challenge you, reader, to look as objectively as possible at the main relationships in your life and see not how much you give but how much you take.

Grateful…

I am grateful for my health and intelligence, and that of my daughter and husband. I am grateful for the roof over my head, the clothes on my back, the food in my belly, and the love in my heart. I’m grateful for my husband’s steady employment that provides for us in plenty so we can care for ourselves and our loved ones. I’m grateful for my friends and family, the givers and the takers and the times we reciprocate. I am grateful.

But Struggling with the Hateful

I take the negative deeper than the BHE does. He takes the burns, applies salve, and carries on, without it effecting his general well-being or behavior. I scrape at the burns to keep them raw and I encourage them to fester and I most certainly allow these negative thoughts and feelings to change my general behavior.

The BHE sees opportunities to work, to put his considerable knowledge and his fit body to use for the betterment of our home, our family, your home, and your family. He stands in the sunshine with an open mind as well as an open heart. The BHE hopes to help.

I am bitter. I stand in a shadow with my arms over my chest. I tap my foot as I ask sarcastically if you need more money, how about a car, some roofing materials, someone to do the roofing, someone to thaw the pipes you allowed to freeze, maybe we can give you a whole roof, or, hell, a whole dammed house. I count the days since he said he’d return those supplies, the weeks she has refused to talk to us, the months since they said they would pay us back. I seethe over the fact that someone didn’t say thank you, didn’t pay up, didn’t keep in contact out of regret for not repaying us or out of guilt for having never planned to, didn’t return what they borrowed …

I gotta stop.  The negative is taking root.  I want to rip out that weed and sow something positive and productive.  I want to plant beauty along our thoughtfully sought path.

Grounded

Yeah, I’m the negative one. The BHE is the positive one. He keeps me grounded, he keeps me balanced, he keeps me out of my head when my head and heart want to explode for the pain of feeling used and thrown aside, he keeps me real and from being spiteful, he keeps me balanced, he keeps me grounded. He is the Best Husband Ever.

We may have been so blessed because we are here to give and provide… But I am so blessed by the man God gave me to love. I hope to change and be more worthy of this generous soul and the love he gives me.